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If I could dunk on anyone, I would dunk on that guy who stood in front of me at Tienanmen Square.

This dunk would be about fixing the mistakes of the past so for it, I would need a time machine. Not only would I need this because I want the dunk to take place in 1989, but lets just say that my opponent hasn’t been seen much or at all since 1989. At this point I would like to reassert my loyalty to the Chinese government and say how happy I am with their governing techniques and that I’m sure that my opponent will emerge in public one day when he returns from his self-imposed exile of shame and that he in no was totally murdered after the protests.

The dunk is obviously taking place at Tiananmen Square in 1989, I have chosen this location for a number of reasons. First there was a shit ton of people there and I want them to see this dunk, I mean I could have had it at the 2006 Olympics but then I would have to compete with those dancers and that lip syncing kid. I don’t think so, all eyes on me today.

I would roll up to the square in my tank but it wouldn’t be green like last time, nope this time I’m rolling up in a bright red tank. Why red? Well Chinese people associate the color red with good luck and I’m feeling lucky today. Also it reminds me of Chinese New Year when I would get money because even though I’m Communist, I’m also bout that dough!

So my red and gold, oh did I forget to mention it’s also gold? Yeah, two colors. So much luxury and the interior is all Louis Vuitton, I know we didn’t have Louis Vuitton in China in 1989 but things have changed and I’m not going back to a time when I can’t have knock off luxury goods. Also I would get one of those old No Limit Records necklaces because it features gold, diamonds, and tanks! Three of my favorite things. I also like the idea of me not having limits but my ego keeps me in check because I’m just a normal guy.

As I get closer to the square in my tank the guy steps out in front of me as predicted. I try to go around and he keeps moving in front of me. I can’t shoot my gun at him because it only shoots more money and bootleg DVDs and he strikes me as the kind of guy who would be pretty into watching Avatar. So I get out of my tank and I tell him that we’re going to settle this like men: on a basketball court covered in ads.

When we get to Tienanmen Square it has been transformed into a basketball stadium, the protesters aren’t even upset any more over the death of Hu Yaobang, they are too caught up in basketball frenzy. The court is covered in ads for TV stations, beauty products, computers, fish balls, and cell phone companies. It’s beautiful, and it has those weird European style keys so you know that we’re not in America.

A big ass gong is sounds, we’re about to start. Yao Ming is waiting at center court (did I forget to say that he came back with me in the time machine? He owed me a favor because I voted for him three million times in all star voting) .  He wishes me good luck. The tank guy is of course just standing under the basket because lets face it that’s what he’s best at.

I start dribbling the ball and then I yell at tank guy to look down. He looks down and realizes that he’s standing on a big ad with a phone number and he’s standing on the number four which is totally bad luck for Chinese people and he’s Chinese so he knows he’s screwed!

I don’t bother trying to left or right, I’ve dealt with this guy before he’s not going anywhere. He should be called for a three in the key but whatever. I start getting closer and look over at the Chinese referee who winks at me – I know he’s not going to call me for the charge. I got in HARD and if we were playing a league game I would totally get called for Charging but this isn’t league play this is Tienanmen Square! He totally falls over and I throw the ball towards the hoop. I suppose I could have dunked but I’m only 5’7” and I want this to be within the realm of possibility.

The shot goes in and the ref calls a foul on tank guy! I got to the line for my second shot but he still won’t move. I hate him so much. Then I hit my free throw and the whole crowd goes nuts, they love it so much. No body is complaining about the government anymore people are just asking me for my autograph and making inquiries about all of the companies that purchased ad space on the court.

Then I would write my 1989 self a note saying that I should bet everything I have on Buster Douglas to beat Mike Tyson but place the bet at the Mirage Casino because they were the only Casino giving odds on that fight. Then I would touch my tank so it would come with me when I went back to the present.

The guy who drove the tank at Tienanmen Square lives in China.  Little else is known.