If I could dunk on anyone, I would dunk all of the scientists who failed to deliver me what is rightfully mine in the year 2009: a flying car.

Scientist you Fail! You are worst than the airlines, banks and automakers put together. Can’t even get your world ending black hole making particle collider up in time, Cute! Actually I’m sort of glad you don’t know what you are doing. Continue to provide society with your consistent failings; we might be better off without your help.

I have a sneaking suspension that a few weeks after the model T was created someone converted one to work on water and then a week later: farts. I’m certain that a scientist said “Cavemen used wheels.  They are played out.”  And shortly after that they made a flying car. However once Goodyear, JP Morgan, and Henry Ford caught wind of the flying fart powered machine, they put a quick end to that idea.  Well just like that MY FLYING CAR is more of a fairy tale than the lost city of Atlantis or unicorns.

For the longest time I kept thinking that by the time we reached 2000, we were going to look at the 1980s like some sort of Neolithic era of stones, caves, and primitive wheels.  Shit was going to be crazy after 2000. We’re talking Jet packs, astronaut ice cream, the end of poverty and hunger, underwater cities, space colonies and FLYING CARS.  There were no visions of the future that didn’t have flying cars, it just seemed inconceivable that we would be rolling around on these stupid rubber wheels which really haven’t changed all THAT much since medieval times.

So 2000 came and went, no flying car.  Ok I thought, maybe next year.


Do I not have it because we don’t’ have the technology?  No!  These scientists created Diet Pepsi, cloning, put a man on the moon, and invented the Internet.  They are responsible and so now it’s time to pay.

I would roll up to a science lab somewhere in Northern California and demand to see a group of scientists.  They would be all “we just make computers here,” and I would say “not my problem, where’s my flying car?”

They would then direct me to some PR person who of course would have in hand a Moller Sky Car brochure. I would gracefully accept the brochure wipe my butt with it, hand it back to him and ask what does your “Sky Car” and this brochure now have in common? They both stink! Now take me to your leader, I want to speak with the grownups.  As I suspected he would be wearing those Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goggles because some fortune teller had prophesied that this day would come.  And sure enough, here it is.

He’d say “ok, so we tried to make a flying car once but it didn’t work.” Then I would demand that he get some other scientists to bring it into the wind tunnel, because it was time to settle this.

Once we got in the wind tunnel I would make all of the scientists get into their stupid non-working car. Now as for me I showed up fresh, I wouldn’t need to change since I was already wearing an all black suit like LL Cool J in the “I’m That Type of Guy” video, and I would totally be wearing a toque too.  I would yell “PASS THE ROCK!” and the robot from Short Circuit would throw me the ball. The mechanics of pneumatic arms and hydraulic pistons would rearrange the room like a Japanese anime, Steamboy, Akari, whateva. A Kevlar reinforced backboard and hoop would descent from the ceiling (they had it installed to test wind resistance on Michael Jordan once).  Then I would say “I want a challenge! TURN ON THE FANS!” All the scientists would be freaking out!  “The fans will blow you back, you’ll never reach the rim, even Michael Jordan couldn’t do it.” One female scientist wouldn’t be able to control herself and would take off her lab coat to reveal her bathing suit underneath. I’d tell her “Get a hold of yourself, I’m married. Go sit on the hood!”

They would turn it on and I would run into the wind, but my toque would stay on, then I would do a pretty simple one handed slam into the hoop.

The lady scientists would look at me like an airplane flying over her and be impressed.

I would then land on the flying car and all the windows would blow out and that lead scientists goggles would shatter.  Later on he would lie and say he started crying because some glass got in his eyes, but we know, those are humiliation tears.

I would immediately demand a list of people on the waiting list for the first flying car.  I would then tear it up and hand them a list of one.

“Hubert White.”

And before you idiots make HAL or Cylons make me my flying car.