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degenerateIf I could dunk on anyone, I would dunk on the January 22nd, 2009 St. Louis Billikens.

These clowns decided that they would lose to Temple by 15 points instead of 12.5 points and thus, failed to cover the spread and cost me $500.

In my dream world, the entire team would be getting ready to walk off the court after losing to Temple when I would step out from behind some guys and say “Hey, losers.  you cost me $500, I want justice right now.”

Leading scorer Kevin Lisch would try to ignore my and go back to the dressing room, but 2nd leading scorer Tommie Lidell III would not be able to resist.  He would tell me to piss off because the pain of losing was more than enough punishment.

I would then bust him with a sweet comeback about how someone with the number 3 in their name could go 0-3 from beyond the arc.  He would be frozen after such an epic insult.

This of course would force forward Brian Conklin to get up in my face and threaten to fight me, but before any punches could be thrown a referee would break it up and say we should settle it on the court.  But upon closer inspection, the referee is Michael Jordan!  A hero to both gamblers and basketball players.  Thus ensuring that his allegiances are equally divided and that he’ll come up with a fair way to solve this.

The decision he hands down is that I am given one chance to score on the five starters for St. Louis and to make it worth my while, Michael will give me $500 if I pull it off so that I can finish the night at even money.  But right then my weird bookie Salvadore comes out of the stands and says he’ll offer me double or nothing on the match!  The Jordan says he wants in on the action!  So if I pull this off, I’m grabbing $1000 from Sal and $1000 from Michael!  But if I lose, I’m out $1000 to Sal and $1000 to Michael Jordan who looks like he means business when it comes to collecting.

I agree to this challenge, and St. Louis guard Kwamain Mitchell starts laughing.  But under my breath I say “laugh it up Kwamain, you have a pretty good sense of humor for a guy who had three turnovers tonight.”

I’m given the option to change into basketball clothes but I’m not feeling it.  I gamble in street clothes, always have, so I don’t see any reason to change now.  Jordan passes me the ball, but I pass it right to him and ask him to sign it.  Which he does, but little does he know that if I don’t make this dunk I’m going to auction the ball on ebay to recover some of my losses.  This is called hedging bets.

I start dribbling towards the Billikens who have d’ed up into a 2-3 Zone to try to stop me.  I look over to their bench, but Coach Rick Majerus is just chillin and eating McNuggets.  He looks up from his 10 piece to say “sorry about not covering the spread, I tried.”  And I give him a thumbs up to let him know that this has nothing to do with him and that I still respect him as a man.

As I cross mid court, I pretend to trip on my New Balance laces and Kwamain makes a break for the ball but it was just a fake trip and I bust an epic spin move.  Nice try Kwamain.

Then I dribble the ball between my legs and start moving towards that basket.  I decide that I can’t go straight to the hoop, it’s just impossible, so I fake like I’m going to drive the lane and I run it all the way to the corner and dribble slow.  Yup, I’m going baseline.

I charge in towards the net and begin my ascent, going right over forward Willie Reed who now has a New Balance logo imprinted right in his forehead.  I take one EPIC pump and bring it towards the net, but as I’m about to get there I hear a beep from my phone.  So I start a spin move while checking my phone.  It’s a text message from a super hot chick who says she wants to bone me, but she needs to go out for a dinner and a UFC fight that will cost exactly $1000.

The stakes have just been raised.

While I’m reading this text message, Tommie Lidell III has come in for the block and his hand is right in the path of my dunk.  So I look over at Jordan and he gives me a knowing nod.  So I bust out a double clutch layup!

It drops in softly.  I then land on the ground and say “no wonder Temple beat the spread, you guys suck.”  Salvadore looks amazingly pissed but Jordan looks pretty calm.  It turns out Jordan bet on me!  So Salvadore has to pay me $1000 and Jordan $2000.  Sucks to be him.

Then I would go on that date and the girl would look exactly like Marissa Miller and the UFC event would be all knockouts and I would pick all the bouts right and pocket some bank along the way.

Angelo Figorello is a degenerate gambler who lives with his parents in Woodbridge, ON.  He is an associate sales representative at Telus in the Vaughn Mills Mall in Vaughn, ON.

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