frenchslamIf I could dunk on anyone it would be Germany.

Sure you might think I want to dunk on England what with all of their victories over us in literally dozens of wars.  Or perhaps America because of our historical rivalry, but that’s more like good natured ribbing than a real deal feud.  Nope, there is no doubt that I would totally slam it down on Germany.

France, of course, is no stranger to getting dunked on.  Vince Carter, The Seven Years War, Haiti, the list literally goes on forever. But the worst dunking ever was when Hitler and Germany dunked all over us during World War II.

Now, normally getting dunked on sucks if you are trying to defend the hoop.  But in World War II we were like Nancy Reagan when Spud Webb dunked over her at the 1986 All-Star game-we weren’t trying to stop them, we were just sort of in the way.  But unlike Nancy Reagan, we didn’t want to get dunked on.

The shame has never gone away, and the only way to get rid of it is to peel off a dunk of epic proportions.  And if you know anything about France, you know there is only one location for a proper slam: Alsace-Lorraine.

We would trick Germany into coming by telling them that our Army was on vacation for the month of August (which is true) and that they could invade and get access to the sweet potassium reserves in the region.

Then they would roll up and, uh oh, we’re already there wearing sweet basketball uniforms made out of French Flags.  That’s how you know we mean business.  If we were wearing striped sweaters, you would know that we mean pleasure.

Upon seeing our uniforms, Germany would immediately try to turn around but would find combined American and British forces waiting by the border with their arms crossed.  No way are you backing out of this one.

Then out of nowhere Belgium would do a sweet behind the back pass to us and we would start dribbling slowly.  Germany would be saying stuff like “we don’t have the right shoes, this doesn’t count” and “Dirk Nowitizki isn’t here, we can’t play.”  But we wouldn’t be hearing it because first they would say it in German, then in English and guess what? We don’t speak either.  Today we only speak one language: sick hops.  We’re talking jumping, not the crop, though truth be told, the Alsace region does grow some of the best hops on earth.  It is but one of the natural resources that makes the region such a prize.

As soon as Germany realizes that the dunk is going to happen, they drop the peaceful facade and prepare for conflict.  That is to say, they put on those pointy helmets from World War One.  We are forced to adjust our plans and make sure that our dunk clears their head by a good ten inches, or else our delicate French testicles could be in serious trouble.

Just to be safe we decide it’s probably best to alley oop this one, so we pass the ball off to Luxembourg.  Sensing weakness, Germany goes straight for Luxembourg thinking that they can get a cheap steal.  Big Mistake.

As soon as they make a break for the ball, Luxembourg throws up a perfect alley oop pass.  Germany quickly tries to get back into position but it’s too late, we have already cleared their pointy helmet and are headed straight for the net with both hands on the ball.

But we can’t celebrate yet.  The dunk is not complete yet and Germany didn’t fight two world wars so they could allow easy buckets.  Once they’ve realized that there is no chance for a blocked shot they go for the hard foul.  But then, out of nowhere they are rocked with a SUPER hard pick from the Czech Republic.

We finish the dunk, but don’t dunk too hard since the backboard is made out of stained glass that took 3 years to make and cost our government almost a billion dollars.

France is a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe and that also comprises various overseas islands and territories located in other continents.