dunking-dreams-other-head2If I could dunk on anyone, it would be the ridiculously happy white Obama supporters I’m surrounded by in New York City.

I would put a hoop right above the door to a yoga studio. Then I would wait. At the first whiff of fair trade coffee, at the slightest wail of world music, the mere sight of a guy in dance pants, it’s Boom Shaka-laka! But these are special folk and that’s why they get special dunks. I’m going to dunk on them dressed as Obama, in half-black face, while screaming “Race War!” It’ll be like Soul Man 2: The Reckoning.

C. Thomas Howell warned you about the dangers of half-black face and you didn’t listen. After my dunk you’ll never ignore the work of C. Thomas Howell again.

That’s right you soy cheese balls, it was all a setup, now that Obama is in-charge, the race war is going to begin. It’ll be their worst nightmare. Yes, worse than someone thinking they’re racist.

They’ll say, “Why are you doing this? We celebrate Multiculturalism in our home.” And that’s when they get some serious Mandingo dick to the dome. “Yes We Can…Get Dunked On.” There will be no hope, just inescapable, repeating Tomahawk dunks.

The more tolerant they act, the worse the dunks get. If after the first vicious dunk they say, “Yeah I guess I deserved it after all my people did to yours.” That’s when my friends come out, because one man a race war does not make. They’re all in half-black face, each dressed as a different guilt easing hero: Tiger Woods, Will Smith, every member of the Black Eyed Peas.

“Did I just hear thunder?” Nope. That’s just the sound of non-threatening black sacs slapping some Free Tibet face. We’re going to be dunking without pants on. This NPR donor is going to see more black balls than a Jew trying to join an Elks lodge.

It’s going to be a mocha colored melée, and Bryant Gumble is going to narrate. “Mos Def is wide open, but Tiger drives to the lane. The honky in skinny jeans just seems to be standing there. It’s like he’s waiting for an autograph? Tiger drops his shoulder…and the vegan hits the floor hard. A MoveOn.org button goes flying. Woods pulls up, and…It’s an Alley Oop for Obama. Oh! The President Of All Blacks, P.O.A.B., has shattered the backboard. And whats this, Rihanna is taking a shit on a Prius for good measure.  This race war is a blowout.”

No longer will they associate that light brown color with their precious lattes, and actors who they are glad won the Oscar, it will be the color of fear. Long live the Suede Terror. All Hail the Kahlua-minatti!

We will travel the country dunking on white people, you know, like the Harlem Globetrotters…but if they raped the Washington Generals.

I promise where ever there are tolerant whites there will be racially hateful dunks. We will windmill dunk on them at Vintage Clothing stores. We will reverse jam on them at Coldplay concerts. I, personally, will take off from the foul line and throw down right on top of two lesbians and their adopted Asian baby. We will do iDunks, dunks that just destroy Apple products.  Paninis will go half eaten, Capoiera will go unpracticed, Eco-Tours of Costa Rica will turn into horrible dunk massacres.

We will keep dunking in black face until America does an about-face. We will dunk until liberals stop looking down on the people just because they’re from the South. We will dunk until people stop laughing at Cedric the Entertainer. We will dunk until everyone stops thinking just because a guy looks different the whole system will change. And I myself will dunk till my taint bleeds from all the uppity white noses it’s been dragged along. Dunked on at last! Thank God all mighty, they will be dunked on at last!

Dan Goodman is a standup comic living in Brooklyn.

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