If I could dunk on anyone it would be every single American Indian in these United States.  They have been a thorn in my side for years now and I believe this dunk to be the best course of action.

These Indians have the audacity to occupy lands that I require for American expansion and profit.  Sure they were here first and have a “right” to it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s cool that I can’t just have Florida and Georgia.

Sure I could round them up and force them to move to West on death marches that will kill most of them, but dunking would be so much cooler.

In my dreams, I would set up a court right in the Everglades, hopefully right on top of a sacred burial ground.  I would then have local artisans construct a hoop from the bones of dead Indians.  As for a ball? I would use the head of the great tyrant Alexander Hamilton.

Everyone would be invited: Congress, the Senate, my family, every royal family of Europe (except those English pricks), and my main man Martin Van B.

Of course I would not invite any slaves as I once had a bad experience of getting blocked by a large slave named Derrick when I tried to toss an apple into a garbage pail at the Hermitage.   I can’t risk having any slaves around to remind me of that horrible day.

I would have the bone hoop at the end of about a furlong of dirt.   In order to make this dunk a challenge to me, I would require at least a battalion (500-1000) Indians standing between me and the net.  With all of those fierce savages standing in my way, I could hear the crowd say “there is no way he can perform this dunk over so many warriors.”  But I wouldn’t even be hearing that.

I would also have a big military band playing some of my favorite songs that would get me all pumped up and get the Indians scared about the dunk that’s about to rain down on them.

After the band plays The Star Spangled Banner, everyone would be quiet for a minute as I poured out some Rum for all my homies who died in the War of 1812.  Then I would cast the rum bottle aside and begin my approach to the hoop of death, which would be set on fire at this point.

Each step would be like an earthquake and I moved closer and closer to the hoop.

When I was approximately 35 yards from the hoop I would step upon the back of a crippled Indian that I had crippled earlier and subsequently nicknamed Squatsy and begin my leap!    As I soared through the air I would remove a pistol from my jacket with one hand, while gripping the head of Alexander Hamilton in the other.

I would start shooting every Indian who attempted to block by progress until I ran out of bullets, then I would toss my gun aside and begin punching them.

Once the bony hoop was within reach, I would pull back with the disgusting sphere in my right hand and prepare for the throw down.  At this point I am using the sheer energy and force of my body to bounce back the natives who are trying in vain to stop both my dunk and the end of their civilization.

Then with a mighty motion I would bring the ball through the hoop while simultaneously sending a dozen Indians into the reptile infested waters.  The force of my dunk would be so great that the entire flaming mass of bones would crumble to the ground into a big pile of dust.

The dust would then turn into some sort of magic dust that only spread disease to Indians.  The dust would also have this magic property so that when they die, their bodies quickly decompose and automatically plant tobacco, cotton, and sugar cane.  Some truly fine crops.

Now that the dunk was complete, I would immediately abolish the sport of basketball so that no one in the future could ever dunk upon me or my descendants.

Andrew Jackson was President of the United States from 1829 to 1837. When asked of his five favorite NBA players, Cherokee Parks was not one of them.

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