If I could dunk on anyone it would be ESPN sideline reporter Stacey Dales.  Every time I see this woman on TV I get angry.  I don’t hate women sports reporters because I have no problems with Erin Andrews, Tracy Wolfson, or Jennifer Hedger but something about Stacey Dales just irks me.

Part of this anger may stem from the fact that Stacey was an All-American basketball player at the University of Oklahoma and an ex WNBA star.  With the exception of Volleyball, Tennis, Figure Skaters, and Cheerleaders, women athletes are so annoying. They try so hard and are so into their “gear”.

Another irritating thing is that she use to go by the name Stacey Dales-Schuman. It’s bad enough that she hyphenated her last name, but putting the bride’s name ahead of the groom’s is just wrong.  Sadly the marriage resulted in a divorce and now she just goes by Stacey Dales.

In my dreams the dunk who take place at a battle of the sexes charity basketball game in Stacey’s hometown of  Brockville, Ontario.  Members of local girls basketball, soccer, rugby, hockey, and softball teams would be invited to see their hero Stacey Dales.  Also in attendance would be the U.S. Women’s soccer team. Hopefully Nike or Adidas would be there trying to fill some commercial about how girls are just as good as boys.

Her  starting five would consists of three other women  basketball stars and Cheryl Miller.  My starting five would have me, three unathletic Scottish guys who have never played basketball in their lives, and my friend Toby who once said that him and three other people who have never played basketball could easily win the WNBA title.

Right before the game, I would hold a press conference and spew out my misogynist manifesto, stating that a group of losers like us would have no problem beating  Stacey’s all star team.

During the game our team would just let Toby do all the work while Stacey would cover me and we all know that she would be trying so hard.  However I would let her light me up, bringing cheers and smiles to the predominantly female crowd.

But then with 10 seconds left on the clock and her team up by two, I would call an iso, taunt the crowd and then start talking shit to Stacey. I would compliment her on her ass and say she had nice eyes (because women athletes hate compliments about their looks).  Then I would blow a kiss and attempt an Iverson killer crossover.

Of course with the dreams of aspiring girl athletes  everywhere on this game, she would be playing such tough D, so I would pass the ball to Toby (who is actually good at basketball).  Stacey would then rush to double team, but then he would toss it back to me for an alley oop dunk. Stacey once again put in so much effort and would try to block me but I would Vince Carter her 2000 Olympic style and a foul would be called.

I would hit the free throw making Toby’s proclamation come to life and destroying the hopes and dreams of girl athletes everywhere.

With an ‘and 1’ dunk from a scrub like me to win the game  the women’s sports movement would be set back by several years. Little girls everywhere would quit organized sports and go back to taking home economics course like they use too. With no more distractions on sports, pregnancy would increase and wars all over the world and the hunger problem would all come to an end

Myles Valentin lives in Vancouver B.C. and has a love / hate relationship with female athletes. He once found Candace Parker attractive until he realized that she looked like her brother Anthony, a guard for the Toronto Raptors.

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