If I could dunk on anyone, I would dunk on birth control.
It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of pregnancy, I have anywhere between 7-19 kids with anywhere between 7-18 different women. That number could be way higher if it weren’t for my mortal enemy – birth control.
I don’t want to rip off an epic Shawn Kemp special jam against just condoms or birth control pills, nope, I want to put down this monster slam against all forms of birth control. That’s right, condoms, pills, sponges, that dumb Nuva ring, and the IUD are the starting five who will, and have, tried to stop me in my many adventures. If you were wondering, the team is coached by “pulling out” who I dislike strongly, but respect. Sort of like George Karl.
The dunk would take place where some of my greatest dunks have gone down: Key Arena. But instead of being filled with pasty white guys and asian dudes who love hip hop, today it’s only filled with beautiful, fertile women from the Pacific Northwest. That weird Sasquatch mascot is at the game too, but I think that it might be a woman. If my theory holds then you better believe that I will try to get it pregnant. Can you imagine the hops on a kid who was half bigfoot/half Kemp? He would be like Teen Wolf, except he could post up.
Oh, I would also want all of my kids to be there so that the ladies in attendance would be aware of what could be theirs if they play their cards right.
While the arena fills to capacity, I wait in the dressing room and I can hear the excited buzz of the ladies who are already picking out baby names and themes for the nursery that I will never see. Then all of a sudden the lights go off and there is total silence. Then a spotlight illuminates each of my opponents, who are all comically oversized to provide me with a real challenge.
Then Quad City DJs “Ride the Train” comes over the speakers and the announcer says “From Trinity Valley Community College, at Power Forward, #40 SHAWN KEMP.” I emerge from the locker room and literally fifteen women feint just from looking at me, five get pregnant from the air kisses that I blow to them. I’m that potent.
But I look a little different than you might expect. Instead of wearing a Sonics throwback jersey, I’m wearing a custom jersey sponsored by Maury Povich, EPT, and Pampers. I learned from my time with Premiata Montegranaro that you can make some good money with ads on your jersey, and you know Shawn Kemp isn’t gonna turn down that easy cheddar. I got child support to pay.
When the music stops, Team Birth Control Ds up into a seemingly unbreakable 2-3 zone. I go over to the ball rack to get a ball, but for tonight’s special occasion I have a white basketball with a little tail on the end. Yup, that’s right, it looks like a sperm and we all know what the rim looks like. Not only will I dazzle with my dunk, but I will inform.
I start my dribble towards the net, and of course, birth control pill tries to take out my knees Bruce Bowen-style. This is because birth control pills are sneaky and you aren’t sure about their presence, just like Bruce Bowen. But I bust a legendary spin move, then bounce the ball so hard off of pill’s back that it crumbles. Now it’s 1 on 4.
Next up, the Nuva ring tries to get up in my face and play me tight. But I got this one solved. I bounce the ball RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE of it, and catch it on the other side. If only my sperm could do the same, then I might have enough kids to field a full football team where no one has to play ironman.
I’m feeling good with these street-ball moves, then like they have done in the past, the sponge and the condom decide to work as a team and double up. I can’t go left, I can’t go right, then the sponge gets a hand on the ball and it looks like it’s gonna be a jump ball. But out of nowhere Gary Payton shows up and I dish him the ball. The condom quickly moves to cover GP while the sponge is just staring and BOOM! I run right over him. I step on him and I can hear a squish. Gross. He’s not getting up again.
GP pump fakes and the condom bites. As if The Glove is gonna bust a three at my event, Gary doesn’t roll like that. Instead he steps inside the 3pt line and executes a perfect bounce pass into the lane.
Right now the only thing standing between me and my goal is an IUD. Needless to say, I’ve been in this situation before. These things look so weird like a flux capacitor, which leads me to believe that it operates like some sort of reproductive time machine. Seriously, how does this thing work?
But I don’t have time to think about it. All I know is that it’s staring me down like Diekembe Mutombo when my #1 seeded Sonics team lost to his #8 Nuggets team in the 1994 Playoffs. Man, that sucked. Well, I don’t want it to happen again and I can tell that this IUD wants to make a legendary block in a victory for non-pregnant women everywhere. I can’t let this happen, and I won’t.
I take off from just inside the free throw line and I’m flying towards the hoop. The IUD gets a hand on the ball and it seems like I’m going to get blocked. A bunch of feminists have snuck into the game and they are all happy, but little do they know that I’ve been going to the gym so I’m pretty strong. Finally, I make it to the hoop and I do that sick dunk I did back in the early 90s where I hold onto the rim and I swing around it in a circle. You know the one, it was in NBA Jam.
The crowd is in a frenzy, and some super hot Japanese girl comes up to me for an autograph, she wants me to sign the ball I dunked with, but it’s nowhere to be found. Then someone says “oh my good, look at the basket, it’s growing.” The base of the net has started to expand…it’s pregnant. A few seconds later, mini basketballs are shooting out every direction and each one is pre-autographed so none of these ladies will bother me with such trivial matters.
Out of respect, I won’t get into the details about what happened over the next 15 hours. But 9 months later 17,098 children are born in the greater Seattle area. (Note: 17,098 is the exact capacity of the Key Arena)
Shawn Kemp is a former NBA All-Star who now plays professionally in Italy where is likely to get many European women pregnant.